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December 31, 2019 0 comments

Self-care will save the world

I have a giving brain by nature. When I was three years old, I would take the M&M’s my grandparents brought me and divide them up to give to all of my family members. For most of my life, I would choose someone else’s happiness over my own every time.

I have also always had a hard time relaxing and enjoying myself if there was any work that needed to be done, whether it was cleaning the kitchen at my friends’ houses when I was sixteen, or having alllll of my school assignments done before I did anything fun when I was 25 (which meant I had about a week each term that I was “allowed” to just chill, and most of that time I was either catching up on housework or getting ahead for the next term.)

Bathing beauties — Mama and toddler enjoying face masks together

After 20 or so years of this kind of behavior, my brain started to max out on stress levels. I began getting sick more often, and worse, I noticed myself snapping at my toddler because I was just so tired and worn out. I recognized that something had to change. I didn’t want to be a mean mom!

Most of us have heard the idea that as parents, we need to put on our oxygen masks first. But what does that actually mean? And when are we supposed to fit that in? I already had more on my plate than I could handle, without adding “take care of your own damn self” to my to-do list.
But my brain and my body were telling me that what I was doing wasn’t working. It wasn’t actually kind of me to take care of my child’s every desire if it ended up making me grumpy and resentful (I didn’t blame them of course; I was angry with myself for having a problem with it!)

When my older child wanted me to go with them to get manicures, I couldn’t bring myself to spend that money on something so frivolous – for me; of course it was okay for my child – they deserve to be happy and have fun. Yet I was denying them the opportunity to have fun WITH me.

I had to figure out a way to make it okay in my mind to have fun, relax, and even indulge in delightful experiences. And then I got it. The idea that allowed me to change my approach.

By taking care of myself, allowing myself to enjoy my life, I was doing a service to my children – and my co-workers, and the cashier at the grocery store, and anyone else who was the beneficiary of my improved attitude. I was a kinder mom (and person), a more fun mom (and person) when I took the time to fill my well with positive experiences.

It made the housework easier, it made bedtime less stressful, the whole demeanor of our household shifted. I could sit back and watch a tv show, just for fun, not multi-tasking laundry or writing curriculum. Just being. A human, enjoying the experience of being alive and being entertained. I also started learning more about other humans, through watching the dramas and comedies, and through looking up from my work to pay attention to the people around me in the moment. I stopped trying to be a hidden force slinking around in the background fixing everything for everyone while they just enjoyed life.

By viewing self-care as a service to others, rather than a selfish pursuit, I was able to justify it in my mind. And I was pretty astounded at how good it actually feels, not having to work every moment to justify my existence.
I hope that you, you kind caring self-sacrificing mom, can find time and space and peace for yourself, knowing that it is truly the kindest way to live for others. Once of those beautiful magical paradoxes of life.

October 5, 2019 0 comments

Self-care for single parents #7 – Stay present

This one is more of a principle (flexibility) than a specific action. I recognized it a few nights ago when I was making dinner, which I don’t do very often. Q was starting to spin out (bumping into things, dumping things out, making loud noises, trying to bug his sibling who was trying to rehearse for an audition – all of the clues he gives when he’s getting overly tired). I really wanted to finish cooking. It happens so rarely that I actually put together a good fresh meal.

As I often do in a pinch when I don’t have a healthy distraction (like playdough!) prepared, I suggested he go watch a show while I finished. Thankfully, the voice of wisdom (the older sibling) chimed in “I don’t think that’s what he needs right now”. This was kind of a head-slapping moment for me. Obviously, giving a child who is exhibiting signs of dis-regulation a device that is known to cause dis-regulation doesn’t quite make sense. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t put that together.

Even with my keen awareness of the detriments of heavy electronic media use, which has led me to attempt media diets or even fasts on multiple occasions – and create this awesome calendar to help 🙂 – I still pretty much thought of it as an overall challenge, rather than specific to certain situations. And I had done the same thing with the food. I was focusing on the overall idea of healthy meals, rather than what my family really needed in that moment.

I took a deep breath, turned off the stovetop, put a lid on the veggies, and proceeded to lead Q through our bedtime routine, ending with an extra helping of snack.

August 19, 2019 0 comments

Self-care for families #6

I’m going to keep this post short and sweet. We are off on summer ~~vacation~~ stay-cation this week, and even though I have a rad-o-rama painting / glitter table set up that would probably keep Q occupied long enough for me to finish this series, I’m excited to join in!

I know I’ve said a few times that “this is my ultimate favorite tip” — but this one really is the quickest way from stressed to relaxed that I know. The hard part is remembering how good I feel after I go outside.

I figured this out when my older kid was a baby. Often the only way to get them to calm down enough to sleep was a neighborhood walk in the stroller. And I noticed that I also returned feeling refreshed. The change of scenery, expansive views (at least compared to a tiny house), and fresh air, regardless of whether it’s sunshine or rain — nothing better for a new perspective on life.

I’m not sure why this always feels so hard for me to do, like it’s going to drain all my energy. Definitely the reverse is true. Last winter when I was battling multiple health issues, sometimes I could really only get out for a few minutes at a time. And it really made a huge difference in my mindset for the rest of the day. Hope it helps you too!

July 26, 2019 0 comments

20 days of self-care for families #5

Generally I think of self-care in terms of spa treatments – foot soaks, face masks, massage – or reading a book on the beach. Relaxing is super important, and joy and laughter are equally good for the soul as calm and peace.

Here are some of my favorite ways to play with kids, that also have a bit of soothing energy:

Playdough – squishing things is such a sensory treat! It’s like a colorful stress ball (which I guess should really be called anti-stress balls); with the added bonus of the capacity for artistic expression 🙂

Blowing bubbles – focusing on your breath brings a great balance of centering and energizing, and the visual beauty is also nourishing to our senses.

Child playing with bubbles — Photo by cherylholt from Pixabay

Keeping this post short and sweet as we are taking off for a weekend with extended family – also one of my favorite self-care tools. I am lucky to have a lovely and supportive group of relatives nearby, so I try to enjoy that social interaction and change of scenery often.

Anyone have other ideas to share?

July 24, 2019 2 comments

Family self-care pt. 4

Gratitude and sharing

One of the most powerful mood shifters I know is gratitude. About a year ago, I started keeping a daily journal listing ten things I’m grateful for, and why. The “why” part also helps me clarify my deepest values by noticing how I describe what’s important to me. For example, I’ll I often have a lot of words like cozy, beautiful, and relaxing in my lists, which lets me know that these are some of the things that matter most to me – and then I can bring more of that into my life.

Recently I introduced this idea to my four-year-old through a simple dinner-time ritual. When we sit down to eat, I light a candle, and then we each share what was our favorite part of the day. It’s a sweet way to connect and learn more about one another, and bring pleasant feelings by remembering all of the most fun things we’ve done and kindness we’ve experienced.

Another way that we focus on the joy in our lives is “the remember story” told at bedtime. I don’t recall how we started, but Q loves it! It begins “Do you remember when we woke up this morning, and …” and then talk about our day. When we’ve been together, it’s fun to reminisce, and when we’ve been apart, it gives us a chance to hear more about each others’ lives. It also helps me think about ways I can make each day special, so we have wonderful things to remember.

As you begin to create additional opportunities for self-care in your lives, this practice will help amplify the feelings to get even more benefit. If you have other ways that you express or focus on gratitude, share them in the comments so we can inspire each other!

July 22, 2019 0 comments

Summer self-care tip #3

Note: this post may contain affiliate links, which means I receive a commission if you purchase through the link. I only link to products I use and love.

Okay, I’m super excited about today’s family self-care idea, because it’s one of my favorites, and because it’s going to make all of the others so much easier. Are you ready? Here it is:

Screen Free Days! I promise you this one activity will have a bigger impact on your state of mind and your connection with your kids than any other. This may seem obvious in theory, but, like the fire drill experience, the effect is so much greater in practice than I had imagined.

(If you are one of the blessed single parents / WAHPs who don’t turn to screens in times of desperation, I apologize this post isn’t as exciting for you. I’ll make it up to you with my second best idea tomorrow! Hint: it involves candles.)

The idea of a screen break came to me via Meagan at Whole Family Rhythms. I mean, the idea of a screen break is self-explanatory, but she actually has an official plan. According to her website, she’s been almost completely screen free for years, which is totally inspiring, and also seems completely impossible right now. But, a week? Probably doable. One. single. day? No excuse not take that challenge.

When I did the Unplug Childhood training earlier this year, I prepared myself for some tears and foot stomping. It was actually surprising how little resistance I met. I think part of it was the pre-planned activities (like bubbles, playdough, and morning provocations), and my willingness to forgo some of my own time to really dedicate to playing – which is always my goal anyway. Focusing my energy in this direction was just extra incentive to be more organized. It honestly only takes 5 minutes to set up a simple play activity like blocks or playdough for the morning, have an idea of an art experience for later in the day after nap, and if all else fails we head to the park!

Here is another lovely source of ideas for keeping busy while you adjust to losing your free babysitter. My goal was to make the approach light and easy, not pressured. The idea is to lower stress, so making it hard on yourself defeats that purpose.

Edit: found another great set of screen-free toddler activities from Mom Life Made Easy.

In the long run, your child’s emotional regulation will benefit so much from interacting with the physical world using multiple senses, leading to more peaceful problem-solving and a happier, more connected environment.

If you missed the first two posts in the series, you can find them here, and here.

July 21, 2019 2 comments

20 days of Summer Self-care for Families, pt. 2

On the first day of this series, I talked about one of my favorite ways to relax on a hot summer night: sharing a soothing foot soak. With the heat even more intense now, I’m realizing that some cooling mint leaves would be a perfect addition to this treat!

Today I’m sharing a great spur-of-the-moment stress reliever that is especially helpful for kids who love to be active. I was going to say, “Are there any who don’t?” but honestly I was that kid who could generally be found curled up with a book, and only played outside, reluctantly, when dragged out by my cousin or pushed out by the recess bell.

Fortunately, I’ve since found some kinds of physical exercise that I actually enjoy, and one that I’m lucky enough to have in common with both of my kids is dancing. It’s the next best thing to going to the beach.

When my house is out of control, and everybody is out of sorts, I can usually just turn on some music and once we get moving I can keep going to get the work done. My older child and I don’t have much overlap in our tastes in songs; we converge on musical theater tunes, but I don’t find them very danceable – even though they are totally designed to be… just maybe I would need actual dance skills to make it work.

So I get most of my dancing done with just the four-year-old. Thankfully, he is a big fan of some of my favorite artists: Beyonce, Janelle Monae and Imagine Dragons (at first I thought he was just attracted to the weirdness of some of the videos, but he gets his bop on to the car radio too.) **Some of these linked songs have words that might make some people’s grandparents blush :)**

Dancing is like super bonus self-care because it’s good for mind and body. It gets my blood pumping, it often gets me singing which leads to deeper breathing, and it’s just so fun! Next time the stress level in your house starts to bubble over, try taking a time out for a dance party – at the very least, you’ll have to kick all of the toys to the wall to make space on the floor, so your cleaning will be half done! If you need some inspo in the music department to get you started, I’ll share some kid friendly ideas below, and if you want my personal “dance lessons” playlist, here ya go. (As with the links above, some of these lyrics may not pass G rating, but the ones below should, except for maybe the lawnmower song.)

Some of Q’s current favorites are Yellow Submarine by the Beatles, Perry Gripp’s Space Unicorn and Raining Tacos (warning: not a vegetarian song), and All American Rejects’ Gives You Hell, which as a toddler he called “the lawnmower song” (watch the video and you’ll understand why.)

He has also recently become enamored with silly movement songs (and anything else silly) like “Tootie Tah”. It’s not really danceable per se, but it’s fun anyway. I found a Dr. Jean version that’s pretty heckin hilarious – few things in life more entertaining (except maybe this), than watching a middle aged preschool teacher who wouldn’t be caught dead in a club find an excuse to shake her booty. (I say this as a middle aged preschool teacher who needs no excuse and can often be caught alive and well at Crush or Tonic shaking it to cheesy 80’s pop or whatever DJ Aurora is playing.)

I’ll be back tomorrow with my very best family self-care tip… I know I should probably keep it for last, but I think it’s going to be the most fun, and help with all of the others, so I’m bringing it out early. I also have a scented playdough Instagram round-up in the works so stay tuned for that as well.

xxoo
Anne

July 20, 2019 0 comments

Self-care for single parents

When your kids are with you 24/7, the best way to get some good self-care in is to include them! For the next month, I will be highlighting simple self-care activities that you can do WITH your kids – so you don’t have to add the cost of child care to your spa bill, or use up prime Netflix time. Okay I guess you could actually do a lot of these while watching… but it’s also super fun to introduce your little ones to the simple joys of self-care rituals. And wouldn’t you rather fold laundry while you binge anyway?

dried crushed flowers — Image by Monfocus from Pixabay

Once of my family’s favorite “self-care together” activities is foot soaks. Filling up a tub of warm water (or cool if it’s super hot outside!), adding some bath salts or essential oils, and dipping our toes is a relaxing a fun way to take care of our bodies and get a great sensory experience.

If we’re feeling extra fancy, adding some rose petals or lavender blossoms gives it a luxurious aesthetic.

Stay tuned for more summer self-care ideas I’ll be featuring over the next month!

June 23, 2019 0 comments

Prioritizing your time as a parent / caregiver

Note: this post may contain affiliate links, which means I receive a commission if you purchase through the link. I only link to products I use and love.

This book recommendation may seem a bit off topic, but honestly it has provided me with so much “getting back on track” that I couldn’t be the parent I am without having read it.

Planning your day: follow the compass, not the clock.

The idea of designating my time in terms of roles and goals has been instrumental in keeping me balanced as a person (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual), as a friend, a family member, a community member, a co-worker, and – at this time in my life – most importantly a parent.

Support Independent Bookstores - Visit IndieBound.org — Click the image to find at your local bookstore

The other concept that has guided and righted my ship numberous (haha that’s a great typo) times is the quadrant planning tool. The most significant aspect of it is noticing those things in our life that are not pressing or urgent, but are IMPORTANT. I am the Queeeeen of putting all of my ASAP tasks behind anything with an actual deadline, and all of my important tasks somewhere between Rainbow Bright and the Care Bears*.

Note: If you did not grow up in the 80’s, first of all I am so sorry, what a bummer, if there’s anything I can do to help please let me know; second, *what I mean is that those dreams are (or were, until I read this book) in the clouds.

One additional piece of advice – not directly from this book, but combined with some wisdom from my mom (thanks mom!) – that has shaped my self-concept was to recognize that one cannot “Get an A”, ie. do their best work as a parent, a housekeeper, a student, a partner… all at the same time. Many colleges now even frown upon 4.0 GPAs because it is ~~impossible~~ highly improbable to achieve that while also being creative and social and all of the other soft skills that are required to be a productive worker sustainably. (Obviously there are exceptions to any impossibilities. Especially if one goes to a really cool school that values real values.)

I’m not at all advocating for just letting the rest of your life go to heck so you can be a good parent, because the stress of a mucked up life is not good for parenting, but just to give yourself grace when you fall short a bit in one area or another, recognize the juggling act you are attempting, and know that you are doing your best. Or, if you really feel you are not, re-calibrate.

Take some time for yourself to map out new strategies, and ask for help if needed. I realize that it often takes an enormous amount of strength to reach out when you are struggling. If you are not sure who or how to ask for help, please get in touch and I will do my best help you figure it out or find someone who can!

the mermaid mamas virtual village

When was the last time you felt completely relaxed, confident, supported and understood? My membership community Mermaid Mamas gives you the dedicated support and encouragement you need to sink into trusting yourself as you make decisions, so your communication is clear and confident, and your kids feel held with the boundaries you provide. It gives…

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