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0 comments on "What to do when your child’s emotions – or yours – are too much"

Most of the time when children (and adults) are “acting up” “misbehaving” being “overly” emotional** or “losing their shite”… it is because they are missing something they need.

Sometimes it’s a simple physical need like food, water, hugs, sunshine, earth, movement, sensation.

Sometimes it is a deeper emotional void. A loss of belonging, self-worth, or a sense of value and contribution… not knowing that they matter and that their feelings matter and are accepted and understood.

Feelings are always valid. There’s no such thing as being “overly” emotional. All emotions are 100% accurate.

That doesn’t mean that responses that cause harm are okay. We get to teach our children how to channel their energy safely and communicate to get their needs met instead of (often) yelled at, ignored, shamed or shunned.

Note: I am in no way implying that children are responsible for the way they are treated. The adults are responsible.

And, we can teach kids to work toward their goals in ways that will most likely be more successful and that don’t cause harm to those around them.

At the same time, we can help parents become aware of and practice skills to de-escalate our trigger responses when we haven’t met a child’s need and they begin to request / demand attention (being tended to) with stronger, louder approaches.

The practices we teach our children and those that we need to calm ourselves (or let ourselves be wild when that is the need) are often the same, so we get to do this work together!

Grounding in nature, hot baths and cold rivers, delicious scents, healthful meals and snacks, dancing, drumming, creating, destroying (with permission), connecting, secluding… what are your go-to re-centering activities? What can you do today to bring more pleasure, play, and peace into your life?

Having too much fun
0 comments on "6 tips for easier Summer bedtimes"

As the sky stays bright later into the evening, it can get more challenging to help kids find their way to dreamland. My best tip is to plan for bedtime to take longer so that you don’t feel frustrated when it inevitably does! 

Also dark curtains or hanging a tapestry over the window makes a huge difference. 

Here are a few of the strategies I use to smooth the transition year round, that could be helpful to add or adapt to your current rhythm:

  1. The night starts now—bedtime routine officially begins at 7am, by making sure kids get plenty of outdoor & big body play during the day. Depending on what spaces and tools you have access to—the park, a backyard trampoline or swimming pool, setting up an obstacle course using chairs, pillows (right before you wash the cases 😉) jumping over boxes… and at least 10-15 minutes of focused attention from you. If you haven’t spent this time, and bedtime is the first focused attention they get from you all day, they will of course try to drag it out as long as possible. (They’ll do the same earlier in the day, but you’ll be less tired and stressed so it’s easier to manage the transition when it’s time for you to get back to what you need to do.)
  1. Wildness – many kids need some riled up time before they can settle down, so creating time in your bedtime rhythm for that can look like wrestling with a willing family member, playing dance music while you wash dishes and they jump up and down as many times as possible or scrub the table (an especially helpful task for kids who are learning to use the toilet, because the motion of wiping with a cloth uses the same muscles as wiping with … other items)
  1. Once it’s time to settle calmly, brushing teeth, bathing and pjs – you can take photos of your child doing these actions to make a visual routine chart that they can follow 
  1. Maybe a few more flips upside down or jumping off of the bed to get the last wiggles out, and then stories/books or podcast to focus their mind (I like Ahway Island because it starts with a meditation that helps kids connect with their bodies)
  1. One last trip to the toilet, fill a water bottle to keep by the bed (if they’re not in a stage where they’ll dump it out on purpose), set up some relaxing music or recorded stories and turn the lights off
  1. Depending on the age and temperament, it can be helpful to lie down with them for a little while until they’re asleep or close to it. You can do a silent meditation during that time, or plan tomorrow’s meals, or listen to a podcast on headphones while you snuggle them. 

Every family is different so it may take some experimenting to find what works. I think the most important thing is to expect it to take longer, and not plan to get anything done after they fall asleep. 

If you’re needing to get more done during the day that gets pushed back until night time, maybe there’s a neighbor or friend that you could set up a trade with so you have some quiet focused work time alternating with time when your child is occupied by playing with someone who’s not you!  

💖

0 comments on "Working at home with kids"


Note: if this post sounds a bit odd, it’s because it’s a transcript from one of my live trainings in the single parents Facebook group I lead. I realized a lot of it could be really useful right now!

I’ve worked from home most of my life, while being in school, and homeschooling my own children who are now 18 and 4 years old. So the two most important tools that keep my stress levels down and make sure I’m present for my kids I’m going to share with you;

Number one, whenever things start to get tense or I”m feeling disconnected from the kids, we’re going to stop everything for a dance break. I have a few different playlists of songs that we both like, and then also one with movement games they can follow along with, like hokey pokey or there’s one called move like the animals.

I’ve been really amazed working with toddlers all the way up to 4th and 5th grade, how much songs and silly games actually change their mood and keep their interest, and once you’ve introduced some of them, I also have a set of picture cards that they can choose from a little mystery bag, and you can also do this with yoga poses, You can also set these up as kind of an treasure hunt scenario where you put them in different areas throughout the house, and they search and then do the movement or if they’re younger they can work on collecting the all and when you’re ready for a break you can do a few songs together. 

I also try to take a walk proactively early in the day, that helps keep the day running more smoothly and everyone’s stress levels down. Have you noticed a difference on the days your kids get outside and move around versus if you’ve just been trying to grind all day? Have you noticed a difference when your kids get outside to play, or even just a 10 minute walk?

The second thing I do is have a basic daily rhythm that I keep posted to remind me what I need to be focusing on at different times of the day, and this is based around my energy levels and having active time to connect with my child before I attempt to get anything done.

I really like to have an hour in the morning to myself for coffee and writing in my journal, so I set things up the night before, 1-2 simple activity like a watercolor painting set and some flowers, or a set of stacking blocks and a few animals or cars. 

The key is in the way you set it up, so you’ve basically started playing with it already, Kids will always play longer with a small set of materials that are set up in a novel way, versus just going to their toy bins on their own. It just stimulates their creativity in a different way. 

So that buys me an hour or so to do my morning writing, and once that time is up and I’m ready to interact, that’s when I’ll put in a good focused half hour session of actively playing together, 

this is when I’ll teach the new songs, or we play a quick board game or I’ll get into whatever activity they are already doing for a little while. This focused time fills their cup and makes it so much easier for you to get your work time in afterward. 

If you’ve tried the “wait a few minutes until I finish” tactic, regardless of the age of the kids, you’ve probably seen how ineffective that is, right? 

And then before I get started with my computer or calls, I’ll have set up 3-4 stations. Some of these are consistent and some rotate, and I keep a few held back for special occasions so I have something on hand that I know will capture their interest. 

Basically you want a simple science investigation – some natural materials to explore collect, a building area, and a dramatic play center which can just be a few stuffed animals or costumes. 

Okay so to wrap up: active (ideally outdoor) time, banking connection time to give you more free time later, setting up for morning the night before, and having spaces for their different needs (creative play, building, pretend / imaginative play, art, investigating)

Creating a visual daily rhythm and sets of cards with songs, animal movements, & scavenger hunts can help them work more independently. 

Let me know if you try any of these ideas and if they are helpful, or if you have questions about implementing it. ♥️

0 comments on "Top ten tips to keep your kids engaged while you’re working"


1. Scavenger hunt – take some pics of things around the house (very far apart and tiny / hidden so they have to spend a lot of time looking!) If they’re little they can show you after they find each thing, older kids can do the whole thing and bring it to you at the end for a prize.

2. Cutting lines / puzzles. Draw some designs on paper for them to cut out. If you make them interlocking pieces, they can play a matching game after by missing them up and seeing how fast they can put them all back together.

3. Tracing lines. Draw or print out designs and invite them to go over with paint, marker or crayon. For older kids glue and glitter.

4. Busy boards – you can find these on Etsy, just a bunch of buttoning zipping tying practice.

5. Water / materials transfer. Give them containers of various sizes, or a bowl and ice cube tray, and asking them to move the water or (non-chokable) items from the bigger to smaller using spoons, tongs, or squeeze droppers.

6. Put down masking tape in zigzag lines and create a path through the house for them to follow. Can they do it hopping on one foot? Walking backward? Slithering?

7. Paint in a bag. Put a few colors in a ziplock, tape the top with duct tape, and let them squish and mix them.

8. Playdough plus: pine cones, dried flowers, fresh herbs, blocks, rocks, sand, safety scissors, washable markers

9. Spread foam shaving cream on the table and use your finger to draw a few designs. You can also give them a paintbrush to draw if they don’t like the sensation.

10. Finger paint in the bathtub

Your turn! What are your favorite ways to keep little ones occupied while you conquer the world from your laptop?

0 comments on "Sensory experiences to help kids relax at bedtime"

Q and I have been revisiting some of his favorite before bed games to add some fun and connection to our nighttime routine. We haven’t been to the library lately and I’m feeling bored of most of our books! Luckily he’s starting to read some of them on his own, but it’s also inspired us to bring some other activities into the routine.

Here are a few of his faves:

  • Poppy blanket: wave a (light) blanket over them to make waves of air.
  • Bake a cake on my back: they turn over, and you mime cracking an egg, letting it drip onto their back, sprinkle your fingers like flour and sugar, smooth it all out, Tap along the spine gently for the timer and “ding” on top of their head. They flop over and you hand them the invisible cake to gobble up. 
  • The five little piggies: wiggle their toes one by one, saying where each piggie is going (to the grocery, the bus stop, the laundry, the park… whatever is part of your life), and on the last toe tickle up the leg to the tummy “all the way home”.
  • You’re my pillow: your child lays down on your pillow, behind you. You sit in front, facing away, yawning and stretching and saying “sure is nice to be ready to sleep”. As you lean back they say something silly or tickle your hair and you sit up a little saying “that was so weird I think my pillow just talked / tickled me. Oh well I guess I’ll just go to sleep.” Lean back again and do it until you’re bored and then switch places.

Would love to hear if you have other bedtime games!

0 comments on "Top 3 reasons your child isn’t listening to you (and what to do about it)"

I don’t know any parent who hasn’t had the “Why won’t they just listen to me?!” moment. Often it comes at the worst possible time, like on the way out of the house, or in line at the grocery. When it happens to me, I usually feel frustrated, discouraged, weak, and hopeless. If other people are around, add to that list embarrassed and incompetent.

And then there are these moments!

Most of the time, I’m on top of my game and can let the challenge roll right off my back, remembering that this is all a perfectly normal and expected (but certainly not fun!) part of parenting.

When I manage to get myself into a genuine power struggle, it’s usually for one of three reasons:

  1. My child is feeling powerless and trying to regain control of themselves by insisting they do (or don’t do) whatever you are asking of them.
    Helpful turnarounds for this situation include “Ask don’t tell” – elicit their help rather than commanding it; offering (limited) choices – all of the options you give have to be genuinely okay with you; and listening to their perspective – sometimes the opportunity to share their feelings about what’s happening is all that’s needed to gain cooperation.
  2. They want my attention. If I’ve been rushing around all morning getting ready to go and haven’t had a chance to connect, my request to put on their shoes might be the first interaction we’ve had. They’re going to want to keep it going, and the only way they know how to do that is to disagree so you keep talking to them. If they quietly oblige, that’s the end of the conversation.
    The turnaround for this dilemma is “Give it to them” (attention) – in a positive way. Acknowledge their perspective, turn on the charm, gush over each tiny step toward the goal. Make it more valuable to go along with you, and calmly ignore their outbursts.
    This tactic works best when you’ve given yourself a cushion of time for the inevitable delays that kids require. Always assume that on the way out the door you will lose your keys, one of their shoes, and your patience, and that as soon as they are buckled into the car seat they will need to use the bathroom one more time. Plan your departure time accordingly.
  3. They feel incompetent, incapable, or unsure of the task. If you’ve asked them to do something that they aren’t confident they can pull off, they may be using defiance as a distraction. The turnaround here is to assure them that you are positive that they can do it (even if they can’t do it yet) and that it’s totally okay to be a beginner. Some kids are more willing than others to risk public failure. If yours is less likely to attempt something new, try practicing at home to get the more comfortable with the idea.

Ultimately, what most of these solutions have in common is “connection before correction”. They’ve got to feel like you are on their side, you care, you are listening to them and honestly value their perspective.

When you know you have a solid strategy in place for meltdowns, it’s much easier to keep your composure when your child is flailing around on the floor at preschool orientation or poking their younger sibling incessantly at dinner time.

0 comments on "Sleep like a baby (even when you have one)"

Sleep is the top of my list for self-care. I made a little mini-guide with some of the ideas that have helped most in getting us from 2 hour long “bedtimes” to a solid consistent reliable dreamy bedtime routine. Most of them a pretty simple (although they take some time to implement).

You can get access by clicking at the little bar on top of my site. (Yep it signs you up for my email list. You can unsubscribe if you want, but I don’t think you’ll want to because I send out like four or five other cool free things when you join.

P.S. Anyone know how to put cute little heart emojis in wordpress??

0 comments on "Best of 2019"

In case you missed any of them, here are my top 10 posts from the past year:

  1. Self-Care Series #3
  2. Scented Playdough round-up
  3. The Screen-Free Challenge (free printable activity calendar)
  4. Prioritizing your time as a parent / caregiver
  5. Self-care for single parents
  6. How Amazing Are We? (The Magic of Inter-being)
  7. 5 ways I start my morning with intention
  8. My 5 favorite no-cook, no-dish meals!
  9. Self-care for single parents #7 – Stay present
  10. Giving Back (contributing toward social and environmental justice)
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0 comments on "Self-care will save the world"

I have a giving brain by nature. When I was three years old, I would take the M&M’s my grandparents brought me and divide them up to give to all of my family members. For most of my life, I would choose someone else’s happiness over my own every time.

I have also always had a hard time relaxing and enjoying myself if there was any work that needed to be done, whether it was cleaning the kitchen at my friends’ houses when I was sixteen, or having alllll of my school assignments done before I did anything fun when I was 25 (which meant I had about a week each term that I was “allowed” to just chill, and most of that time I was either catching up on housework or getting ahead for the next term.)

Bathing beauties
Mama and toddler enjoying face masks together

After 20 or so years of this kind of behavior, my brain started to max out on stress levels. I began getting sick more often, and worse, I noticed myself snapping at my toddler because I was just so tired and worn out. I recognized that something had to change. I didn’t want to be a mean mom!

Most of us have heard the idea that as parents, we need to put on our oxygen masks first. But what does that actually mean? And when are we supposed to fit that in? I already had more on my plate than I could handle, without adding “take care of your own damn self” to my to-do list.
But my brain and my body were telling me that what I was doing wasn’t working. It wasn’t actually kind of me to take care of my child’s every desire if it ended up making me grumpy and resentful (I didn’t blame them of course; I was angry with myself for having a problem with it!)

When my older child wanted me to go with them to get manicures, I couldn’t bring myself to spend that money on something so frivolous – for me; of course it was okay for my child – they deserve to be happy and have fun. Yet I was denying them the opportunity to have fun WITH me.

I had to figure out a way to make it okay in my mind to have fun, relax, and even indulge in delightful experiences. And then I got it. The idea that allowed me to change my approach.

By taking care of myself, allowing myself to enjoy my life, I was doing a service to my children – and my co-workers, and the cashier at the grocery store, and anyone else who was the beneficiary of my improved attitude. I was a kinder mom (and person), a more fun mom (and person) when I took the time to fill my well with positive experiences.

It made the housework easier, it made bedtime less stressful, the whole demeanor of our household shifted. I could sit back and watch a tv show, just for fun, not multi-tasking laundry or writing curriculum. Just being. A human, enjoying the experience of being alive and being entertained. I also started learning more about other humans, through watching the dramas and comedies, and through looking up from my work to pay attention to the people around me in the moment. I stopped trying to be a hidden force slinking around in the background fixing everything for everyone while they just enjoyed life.

By viewing self-care as a service to others, rather than a selfish pursuit, I was able to justify it in my mind. And I was pretty astounded at how good it actually feels, not having to work every moment to justify my existence.
I hope that you, you kind caring self-sacrificing mom, can find time and space and peace for yourself, knowing that it is truly the kindest way to live for others. Once of those beautiful magical paradoxes of life.