I have a giving brain by nature. When I was three years old, I would take the M&M’s my grandparents brought me and divide them up to give to all of my family members. For most of my life, I would choose someone else’s happiness over my own every time.
I have also always had a hard time relaxing and enjoying myself if there was any work that needed to be done, whether it was cleaning the kitchen at my friends’ houses when I was sixteen, or having alllll of my school assignments done before I did anything fun when I was 25 (which meant I had about a week each term that I was “allowed” to just chill, and most of that time I was either catching up on housework or getting ahead for the next term.)
After 20 or so years of this kind of behavior, my brain started to max out on stress levels. I began getting sick more often, and worse, I noticed myself snapping at my toddler because I was just so tired and worn out. I recognized that something had to change. I didn’t want to be a mean mom!
Most of us have heard the idea that as parents, we need to put on our oxygen masks first. But what does that actually mean? And when are we supposed to fit that in? I already had more on my plate than I could handle, without adding “take care of your own damn self” to my to-do list.
But my brain and my body were telling me that what I was doing wasn’t working. It wasn’t actually kind of me to take care of my child’s every desire if it ended up making me grumpy and resentful (I didn’t blame them of course; I was angry with myself for having a problem with it!)
When my older child wanted me to go with them to get manicures, I couldn’t bring myself to spend that money on something so frivolous – for me; of course it was okay for my child – they deserve to be happy and have fun. Yet I was denying them the opportunity to have fun WITH me.
I had to figure out a way to make it okay in my mind to have fun, relax, and even indulge in delightful experiences. And then I got it. The idea that allowed me to change my approach.
By taking care of myself, allowing myself to enjoy my life, I was doing a service to my children – and my co-workers, and the cashier at the grocery store, and anyone else who was the beneficiary of my improved attitude. I was a kinder mom (and person), a more fun mom (and person) when I took the time to fill my well with positive experiences.
It made the housework easier, it made bedtime less stressful, the whole demeanor of our household shifted. I could sit back and watch a tv show, just for fun, not multi-tasking laundry or writing curriculum. Just being. A human, enjoying the experience of being alive and being entertained. I also started learning more about other humans, through watching the dramas and comedies, and through looking up from my work to pay attention to the people around me in the moment. I stopped trying to be a hidden force slinking around in the background fixing everything for everyone while they just enjoyed life.
By viewing self-care as a service to others, rather than a selfish pursuit, I was able to justify it in my mind. And I was pretty astounded at how good it actually feels, not having to work every moment to justify my existence.
I hope that you, you kind caring self-sacrificing mom, can find time and space and peace for yourself, knowing that it is truly the kindest way to live for others. Once of those beautiful magical paradoxes of life.