I haven’t been posting as much on here recently; I’ve been working on creating a virtual support community for single parents! If you want to come hang with some very cool mamas you can join us at :
Http://www.facebook.com/groups/singlemomsstw
Sleep is the top of my list for self-care. I made a little mini-guide with some of the ideas that have helped most in getting us from 2 hour long “bedtimes” to a solid consistent reliable dreamy bedtime routine. Most of them a pretty simple (although they take some time to implement).
You can get access by clicking at the little bar on top of my site. (Yep it signs you up for my email list. You can unsubscribe if you want, but I don’t think you’ll want to because I send out like four or five other cool free things when you join.
P.S. Anyone know how to put cute little heart emojis in wordpress??
In case you missed any of them, here are my top 10 posts from the past year:
I have a giving brain by nature. When I was three years old, I would take the M&M’s my grandparents brought me and divide them up to give to all of my family members. For most of my life, I would choose someone else’s happiness over my own every time.
I have also always had a hard time relaxing and enjoying myself if there was any work that needed to be done, whether it was cleaning the kitchen at my friends’ houses when I was sixteen, or having alllll of my school assignments done before I did anything fun when I was 25 (which meant I had about a week each term that I was “allowed” to just chill, and most of that time I was either catching up on housework or getting ahead for the next term.)
After 20 or so years of this kind of behavior, my brain started to max out on stress levels. I began getting sick more often, and worse, I noticed myself snapping at my toddler because I was just so tired and worn out. I recognized that something had to change. I didn’t want to be a mean mom!
Most of us have heard the idea that as parents, we need to put on our oxygen masks first. But what does that actually mean? And when are we supposed to fit that in? I already had more on my plate than I could handle, without adding “take care of your own damn self” to my to-do list.
But my brain and my body were telling me that what I was doing wasn’t working. It wasn’t actually kind of me to take care of my child’s every desire if it ended up making me grumpy and resentful (I didn’t blame them of course; I was angry with myself for having a problem with it!)
When my older child wanted me to go with them to get manicures, I couldn’t bring myself to spend that money on something so frivolous – for me; of course it was okay for my child – they deserve to be happy and have fun. Yet I was denying them the opportunity to have fun WITH me.
I had to figure out a way to make it okay in my mind to have fun, relax, and even indulge in delightful experiences. And then I got it. The idea that allowed me to change my approach.
By taking care of myself, allowing myself to enjoy my life, I was doing a service to my children – and my co-workers, and the cashier at the grocery store, and anyone else who was the beneficiary of my improved attitude. I was a kinder mom (and person), a more fun mom (and person) when I took the time to fill my well with positive experiences.
It made the housework easier, it made bedtime less stressful, the whole demeanor of our household shifted. I could sit back and watch a tv show, just for fun, not multi-tasking laundry or writing curriculum. Just being. A human, enjoying the experience of being alive and being entertained. I also started learning more about other humans, through watching the dramas and comedies, and through looking up from my work to pay attention to the people around me in the moment. I stopped trying to be a hidden force slinking around in the background fixing everything for everyone while they just enjoyed life.
By viewing self-care as a service to others, rather than a selfish pursuit, I was able to justify it in my mind. And I was pretty astounded at how good it actually feels, not having to work every moment to justify my existence.
I hope that you, you kind caring self-sacrificing mom, can find time and space and peace for yourself, knowing that it is truly the kindest way to live for others. Once of those beautiful magical paradoxes of life.
Child playing with bubbles
Generally I think of self-care in terms of spa treatments – foot soaks, face masks, massage – or reading a book on the beach. Relaxing is super important, and joy and laughter are equally good for the soul as calm and peace.
Here are some of my favorite ways to play with kids, that also have a bit of soothing energy:
Playdough – squishing things is such a sensory treat! It’s like a colorful stress ball (which I guess should really be called anti-stress balls); with the added bonus of the capacity for artistic expression 🙂
Blowing bubbles – focusing on your breath brings a great balance of centering and energizing, and the visual beauty is also nourishing to our senses.
Keeping this post short and sweet as we are taking off for a weekend with extended family – also one of my favorite self-care tools. I am lucky to have a lovely and supportive group of relatives nearby, so I try to enjoy that social interaction and change of scenery often.
Anyone have other ideas to share?
Note: this post may contain affiliate links, which means I receive a commission if you purchase through the link. I only link to products I use and love.
Okay, I’m super excited about today’s family self-care idea, because it’s one of my favorites, and because it’s going to make all of the others so much easier. Are you ready? Here it is:
Screen Free Days! I promise you this one activity will have a bigger impact on your state of mind and your connection with your kids than any other. This may seem obvious in theory, but, like the fire drill experience, the effect is so much greater in practice than I had imagined.
(If you are one of the blessed single parents / WAHPs who don’t turn to screens in times of desperation, I apologize this post isn’t as exciting for you. I’ll make it up to you with my second best idea tomorrow! Hint: it involves candles.)
The idea of a screen break came to me via Meagan at Whole Family Rhythms. I mean, the idea of a screen break is self-explanatory, but she actually has an official plan. According to her website, she’s been almost completely screen free for years, which is totally inspiring, and also seems completely impossible right now. But, a week? Probably doable. One. single. day? No excuse not take that challenge.
When I did the Unplug Childhood training earlier this year, I prepared myself for some tears and foot stomping. It was actually surprising how little resistance I met. I think part of it was the pre-planned activities (like bubbles, playdough, and morning provocations), and my willingness to forgo some of my own time to really dedicate to playing – which is always my goal anyway. Focusing my energy in this direction was just extra incentive to be more organized. It honestly only takes 5 minutes to set up a simple play activity like blocks or playdough for the morning, have an idea of an art experience for later in the day after nap, and if all else fails we head to the park!
Here is another lovely source of ideas for keeping busy while you adjust to losing your free babysitter. My goal was to make the approach light and easy, not pressured. The idea is to lower stress, so making it hard on yourself defeats that purpose.
Edit: found another great set of screen-free toddler activities from Mom Life Made Easy.
In the long run, your child’s emotional regulation will benefit so much from interacting with the physical world using multiple senses, leading to more peaceful problem-solving and a happier, more connected environment.
If you missed the first two posts in the series, you can find them here, and here.
On the first day of this series, I talked about one of my favorite ways to relax on a hot summer night: sharing a soothing foot soak. With the heat even more intense now, I’m realizing that some cooling mint leaves would be a perfect addition to this treat!
Today I’m sharing a great spur-of-the-moment stress reliever that is especially helpful for kids who love to be active. I was going to say, “Are there any who don’t?” but honestly I was that kid who could generally be found curled up with a book, and only played outside, reluctantly, when dragged out by my cousin or pushed out by the recess bell.
Fortunately, I’ve since found some kinds of physical exercise that I actually enjoy, and one that I’m lucky enough to have in common with both of my kids is dancing. It’s the next best thing to going to the beach.
When my house is out of control, and everybody is out of sorts, I can usually just turn on some music and once we get moving I can keep going to get the work done. My older child and I don’t have much overlap in our tastes in songs; we converge on musical theater tunes, but I don’t find them very danceable – even though they are totally designed to be… just maybe I would need actual dance skills to make it work.
So I get most of my dancing done with just the four-year-old. Thankfully, he is a big fan of some of my favorite artists: Beyonce, Janelle Monae and Imagine Dragons (at first I thought he was just attracted to the weirdness of some of the videos, but he gets his bop on to the car radio too.) **Some of these linked songs have words that might make some people’s grandparents blush :)**
Dancing is like super bonus self-care because it’s good for mind and body. It gets my blood pumping, it often gets me singing which leads to deeper breathing, and it’s just so fun! Next time the stress level in your house starts to bubble over, try taking a time out for a dance party – at the very least, you’ll have to kick all of the toys to the wall to make space on the floor, so your cleaning will be half done! If you need some inspo in the music department to get you started, I’ll share some kid friendly ideas below, and if you want my personal “dance lessons” playlist, here ya go. (As with the links above, some of these lyrics may not pass G rating, but the ones below should, except for maybe the lawnmower song.)
Some of Q’s current favorites are Yellow Submarine by the Beatles, Perry Gripp’s Space Unicorn and Raining Tacos (warning: not a vegetarian song), and All American Rejects’ Gives You Hell, which as a toddler he called “the lawnmower song” (watch the video and you’ll understand why.)
He has also recently become enamored with silly movement songs (and anything else silly) like “Tootie Tah”. It’s not really danceable per se, but it’s fun anyway. I found a Dr. Jean version that’s pretty heckin hilarious – few things in life more entertaining (except maybe this), than watching a middle aged preschool teacher who wouldn’t be caught dead in a club find an excuse to shake her booty. (I say this as a middle aged preschool teacher who needs no excuse and can often be caught alive and well at Crush or Tonic shaking it to cheesy 80’s pop or whatever DJ Aurora is playing.)
I’ll be back tomorrow with my very best family self-care tip… I know I should probably keep it for last, but I think it’s going to be the most fun, and help with all of the others, so I’m bringing it out early. I also have a scented playdough Instagram round-up in the works so stay tuned for that as well.
xxoo
Anne